Monday 1 December 2014

Thoughts when I was in the hospital.

I always boasted that I never get bitten by mosquitoes. People around me would be clapping their hands and hitting themselves and scratching while I sat unaffected by the dreaded insect. But all that changed. A fortnight ago, I was diagnosed with dengue and later hospitalized for 5 days. Dengue is known to be fatal in some cases, and in my case, while there were moments when I thought "Is this the end?" Well, these are a few thoughts that crossed my mind lying in the ICU. Even before I went to the hospital the high fever, nausea and extreme chills had battered my body. Somehow I did not pray to God to cure me. I did ask healer friends to send me healing energy and when I couldn't take the pain and bodily distress, I just prayed for help to cope with the pain. I was admitted to the ICU because my blood platelet count had gone dangerously low and a transfusion had to be done 5 times. Somehow when the body is completely worn out, I realized there is amazing clarity of thought. And there was little else to do apart from thinking lying with tubes fit all over your body.

The doctors were worried that there may be an internal haemorrhage because I was vomiting blood and there was bleeding in the gums. Again the thought came to my mind "Am I going to die?". Surprisingly there was no fear of death. Although the conditioned behavior would be to plead to God to help and save you, I did not feel like praying for that. I asked myself why am I not praying to God to save me. I got 2 answers. The first one was that for the last 2 and half years I've lived life passionately. I infused everything I did with passion on a day to day basis. I loved, ate, traveled (well, that could have been more), painted, read,  spent time doing everything I loved. I also cried, fought, hated, sulked, but so what? All these are part of my human experience. I had no regrets because I was fully aware of what I was doing. Even if I lazed around I did that passionately and fully aware of it and loved it. Another thought that occurred to me while at the hospital was that since the last 3 yrs or so I had chosen to interact and spend time with people who nourish me energetically rather than drain and deplete my energy, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that I was happy about.  

The second reason why I did not ask God to save me was that I've read extensively on life after physical death and I knew it would be a continuation of life. So there was no fear. I was thinking if I asked God to save me and if He does, would I then call him the merciful God or the Kind God, and if he does not save me would I then label him as the merciless one? Is not life and death part of life as whole? Then why should I plead for life or label God depending on whether he extends my life. I decided I would just be an observer and see what happens to me. But one thing I had resolved in the ICU. And that is if I lived I would take the passion quotient a few notches higher and live life more fully. All that matters is the zest for life and to live each day as if it is your last. I also resolved to focus more on things that matter rather than fretting over petty things.

I'm really thankful to people who came to donate blood in the middle of the night, who visited me at the hospital and even now. Thankfully, I'm recuperating well and people who have been visiting me at home say that they did not expect me to look so healthy. One thing I realized is no matter how weak the body, the spirit within is invincible and that makes all the difference. Here I am, writing the thoughts that crossed my mind in the hospital and totally loving every bit of life..:-) 

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